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flower girl

March 2011

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Mar. 10th, 2011

flower girl

Random Thoughts of the Day

Everyday, I take a one hour bus to and from school and usually on that bus, I don't really do much. I'll study sometimes, sometimes I'll just listen to my music and stare out the window. Instead, today, I ended up thinking about many many things. I don't know what sparked this random brainstorm of ideas, but it just happened. Hasn't happened since I used to walk home from school.

Anyways, I kept thinking back to my dream yesterday night and I ended up thinking it would be really cool if there was a device to record all our dreams. Why isn't that possible? How do our minds really work.. ? Do our dreams really mean anything? I've looked at dream decoders before, but they never seem to give what I want to know. Wouldn't it be really cool if I could record my dreams? My dreams are quite the strange weird ones, so if I could remember them all, I bet I'd end up trying to go for being a writer instead of a pharmacist. The interesting thing is, how come in dreams, everything seems to make 100% sense, however, the minute we try and explain it to our friends, it becomes some whacked up inconsistent story? Isn't it strange how that works?

I don't know if this is weird or not, but I seem to like posting to no one or even to strangers, rather than my friends. I'm not all together sure why that reason is. Is it because I don't want to be judged and if it's online to strangers, for sure, they'll never know who I am? Maybe.

Now that we got there, identity. How does that work? If I wanted, I could just go to a place where no one knows me, tell everyone I'm Marie. They'd definitely believe me right? Isn't it strange that if we lose all our birth certificates and everything, there's absolutely nothing that can prove we're a certain person? That's just whacked up in my opinion. So realistically, none of us really has an identity linked to us. We create it for ourselves and make sure we keep it with us all the time or else no one will believe us right?

When I was younger, I used to tell people that I had multiple personalities and honestly, I kind of believe that still. It's not the disorder where I don't know about it.. I know about it. I don't really how it works, but when I'm with friends, by myself, or with family, I .. don't know. I feel like I'm a different person? Maybe everyone feels that way and I'm just paranoid. Well not paranoid per se, but.. I don't know how to explain it.

There's always times where I wonder if I tried to do something else, ie. not going to school, I wonder where that would take me. There's just so much more other things I could pursue and everyone's always told me I had potential in whatever I do.. so sometimes.. I just wonder if I could be so much more than I am right now.

There was one more thought I had, but I can't remember it right now, sadly. This is what happens when you try and post about something you were thinking about an hour ago. If only my brain could just connect to this blog and blog about whatever I was thinking about at the moment. 

Anyways, I suppose that's enough right now. Though I would like to post one more line.

"And that was how I had my first icy kiss, a kiss that tasted so strongly of mint. One I'll never forget"

That line has absolutely nothing to do with my real life.

Mar. 6th, 2011

flower girl

Annoyances.

There's not much that annoys be nowadays, my life is pretty bland. However, recently, my mom keeps emphasizing on how much me and my dad is basically bad luck to her and my sister... and you know what the crap thing is? She based this off of some dumb chinese thing.. something about using our birth times and stuff to see how  much "our bones weigh".. basically.. it's like measuring the weight of your life? If you weigh little, your life is basically almost useless and will be bad luck to those around you and cause them to be in misery. If your bones weigh more, then you are good luck and your life will be good. So basically, my "bones" weigh less than my mom's and my sister's and my dad's weigh less than mine, so now she keeps emphasizing on how her life is basically crap due to me and my dad.

Honestly, you have no idea how stupid I think that is. I've probably only done ONE thing that inhibited her in my life back in high school, which was about like.. 5 years ago? You have no idea how many times she keeps mentioning this and brings it up OVER AND OVER AGAIN. Well. WHAT CAN I DO ABOUT IT? It's not like I'm doing this now. I've fixed it and I'm trying my best not to do anything that will bother her. What more does she want? It's not like I can go back in time and fix it. If I could, I WOULD OKAY?

Geezus.

You know what's more fail? The fact that I had to go find a place where I was almost 100% sure no one would read before I could post this. I haven't been able to post anything serious/deep in my heart issues for a while. It's not that I don't trust people, but I feel like it's a waste of their time to read about my worries and depressing things. People have enough issues to deal with themselves and I feel like I shouldn't bother them with my own.

I feel like I should put on a facade of happiness all the time and even though everyone always says I'm hyper/excited/happy, I don't think I really am honestly. Though this is what I wanted to achieve.. instead of always looking sad/depressed/emo, I wanted to put the impression into people's minds that I'm the happy-go-lucky girl, so I guess I've somewhat achieved this.

So recently, I've changed my life goals. I'm aiming to be a pharmacist now.. even though I feel like I can do it, at the same time, I feel like I can't. I don't know. I should probably have more self-confidence in myself, but recently I've lost my drive for school. I don't want to study anymore and I feel like I could be doing so much more productive things, but what else can be more productive than school? School decides your future, doesn't it? Aish. If only other things in this world could.

Really. If I could go anywhere with singing, I would head straight towards that right now. There's nothing in the world that can describe how I feel when I sing. Singing and swimming. The two things I love doing the most. When I'm doing those things, my mind just goes completely blank and there's nothing else I have to worry about. All I have to concentrate on is getting the right tone, pitch, lyrics etc or focusing on my strokes, how many more laps/minutes to go.

So my sister asked me the other day why I decided to change from becoming a math teacher to a pharmacist. First, it was because pharmacists make dramatically more money than teachers.. but when I answered her, an answer automatically came to mind. "I can make enough money to actually do the things I want to do".. and you have no idea how much I was surprised by this answer. I realized this is.. is so amazingly true. Although I won't be doing a job I LOVE to death, I'll actually make enough money to do the things I love. I'll be able to buy nice cameras and take beautiful pictures, buy programs to make layouts and all that, buy microphones + recording things for music, buy games to play, buy good food to eat and buy nice clothes/accessories/bags etc. Although this seems like a really shallow thing.. but if I was doing something I LOVE.. but I was nearly on the brink of being a hobo, would I be enjoying it? Honestly, I don't know the answer to this. I wish I did though..

This post is incredibly long. I feel like I'm barfing everything that's been on my mind for a long time now. It feels good now that everything's out. I should probably go and study for my midterm now which is in 3 days and I haven't even started. Not only that, it's a biology midterm which requires quite a bit of memorization.. so.. onwardss..!

Sep. 20th, 2008

flowers and down

The Disappointments and Blandness of Life.


Life is so insanely bland now that I don't even know what to say.  What's there to look forward to?  What's there to hope for?  Nothing really.   Everyday is the same.  Over and Over again, repeating what I did yesterday or the day before.  Not that I'm really complaining too much.  Atleast, there's no more drama and random crying everyday.  Atleast I don't have those crazy mood swings from before where I'd hate life one second and love it the next.  In a way, I think I've become some old, senile lady always reminiscing on the old days.

OH NO'S D:!!!

Still, that certain flavour in my life has undoubtly gone on vacation or flown off somewhere.  I definitely do miss the days when I would talk to my best friends on MSN or the phone for hours long while getting yelled at by my mother to sleep or to shut up.  Now.. now..? It's.. gone.  It's just not there anymore.  It's gone!  The excitement I used to feel, the fun in things...

 

Undoubtly, I probably even miss the drama and the frequent and crazy mood swings. It spiced up my life a litte, or rather.. It spiced it up a little too much.  Even though, I know i hate rumours and drama and I probably don't want any more of it because I probably couldn't stand it.  BUT I NEED SOMETHING TO HAPPEN IN MY LIFE =.=!!!

I can't go on with my grade 12 year being empty T^T;; Seriously. 

It doens't help that I always think back to grade eight when I'm alone.  That's only the real time where I actualyl feel something. OH MY GARS :o!! Yes. Half of my feelings went PEWF. or rather, I locked them all up and dumped them in a corner.  Now, I can't seem to locate where they went.  Maybe along the way, I'll end up finding them this year. Perhaps? It is the last year.. If not now.. then when?

Anyways, enough depression. or rather, just whining/complaining for a day.

Good nights~ <3

May. 27th, 2008

flower girl

Five Million Years

Woahhh! It's been like five million years since I posted :D!
TEEHEE.

Anyways. New Obsession?

MS + GB FTW?! YAHHH~!!

Oh right..

ALAN LUO IS SO CUTEEEEEEEE<3
Corner with Love is MY LOVE <3

Random much?

Post is dedicated to Maggie Chan <3 :D
teehee.
teehar.
TEHEHEHEHEHE :)

Anyways.
That's all I shall write for now.
Jen is a little sad though.
Because.
SCHOOL IS ENDING SOON T^T
I don't want school to end. I really don't want grade 12 to come yet. Not yet. I just need some more time.

Otherwise, I've really enjoyed all those recent outings with everyone.
Meeting new people this year.
Fun. 
I hope there will be alot more fun memories before all those grade 12's leave for universities/colleges =(

T^T

<3